It may feel like you are in your toughest hour and feel alone with darkness completely surrounding you on all sides. You feel trapped, like the unseen weight of your circumstances are crushing in around you. You may feel like this is it. You just can’t handle anymore and are ready to give up, but you are not alone in the darkness. Help is right there waiting.
This is difficult for me to put into words. To go back to a time and place that I don’t like to revisit in my mind is daunting. It was a time when I felt darkness all around me and suffocated to the point of giving up. Looking back on those times now, I can see God working through them, but at the time I could see nothing.
In my teen years, I often felt insecure with myself, which I’m sure many can relate. I felt loneliness and anxiety which lead me into deep depression. I hated who I was, which lead me to hate others and become angry at everyone and everything. I began to have thoughts of suicide and even planned how I could do it. I kept trying to pray, because I heard that’s what you should do, but nothing really happened. I remember one night in particular as I was on my knees on the bathroom floor, I cried out to God, “If you are real, if you can really hear me, if you really care, then show me, because I’m done! I can’t take this anymore!” I remember people saying to ask Jesus to save you and to surrender your life to Him. Well, I figured I had nothing else to try, so I said for Jesus to please help me. I prayed if He would change my life, then I would serve Him. At that point, I really didn’t know what that meant, but I was desperate for a way out. I was truly at the end of the road and didn’t know what else to do to stop these dark feelings inside me. I would see other people so happy and enjoying life, but here I was alone and deeply depressed. After that night, a small flicker of light, like a flame, began to cast light into the darkness around me and I began to see the truth of what was happening.
I always felt so angry all the time. I didn’t want to feel this way, but it just seemed like I couldn’t escape it’s grasp. God began to show me that I was not fighting a battle against the people around me. I was under a spiritual attack and it started with the lies I was being told about myself. All the negative things I saw about myself were lies that satan kept planting in my thoughts. The more I kept thinking on these lies and speaking them, the deeper and darker the lies became. I got so deep into this pit of darkness that I couldn’t see God anymore and felt utterly alone. This was another lie. Jesus was right there, tugging at me to look to Him. Once I finally surrendered everything to Him, then and only then could He begin His work in me. The longer we try to hold on to things by our own strength, the deeper in darkness we can find ourselves.
Once Jesus began His work in my life, it was like His light started exposing the darkness and pushing it away. I began to see the good things that were in my life all along, but I was unable to realize because I was too focused on the dark things that were making me angry and depressed. Once my focused changed from the darkness around me to the light of Jesus Christ, His grace guided me out of the pit that had held me captive. Once you have surrendered your life to Jesus, it’s a matter of changing your focus from the darkness or problems you are facing to focus on Him alone. Studying your Bible consistently is critical to keeping your focus upon Him. I also realized that the music I was listening to was not helping me. Heavy metal and rap music was filled with anger and violent language that only planted more of those thoughts into my mind. So, laying those things down was another step of surrendering my old ways to Him. This is the process of sanctification.
Once you surrender yourself to Jesus, he will begin this process of removing anything that will hinder your walk with Him. Somethings are small things, but some may be bigger steps you must take. He’s not forceful, so if you try holding on to something, it seems like He just waits you out, until you decide that you are truly ready to surrender it to Him. You learn over time that it is best to surrender these things quickly, instead of trying to hold on to them and prolonging these curves in your walk.
In closing, if you find yourself in a pit of darkness or despair and you just feel like giving up. Give it all up to Him. In Psalm 55:22 (NKJV) “Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.” He is telling you to give your burdens, your troubles and your despair to Him for He will sustain you. Don’t do like I did and try to handle these things on your own internally. This is dangerous and will lead you only deeper into darkness. You need the light of Jesus to light your way so that you can see clearly. Once you completely surrender all to Him and take your hands off the steering wheel, then He can take control and change your life forever.
Back in those days, where things seemed so dark and hopeless to me, I could not see past those moments. I could not see what tomorrow held for me. I could not see the plan that God had for my life. Now, over 20 years later, I see what God has blessed me with and I am so thankful He rescued me. I am so thankful for each day I have with my wife and kids. I never imagined I would be blessed with such a life. If I had not held on for just one more day, I would have missed so much. Some bad days, some good, but overall a life I could never have imagined I would live. If you are struggling today dear friend don’t give up, please call out to Jesus to bring you out of the darkness and into His glorious light. You can never imagine the things He has in store for your life. I may not yet be where I strive to be in my walk with Jesus, but I thank God that I’m not where I used to be. Thanks for reading and keep faith.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
